One of the best parts about marriage is being so comfortable with your
hubby that you can say just about anything to him. But if you don’t
watch your mouth, sometimes the ugly truth comes out in hurtful—not
helpful––ways. Though you may have legitimate concerns to express or
issues to bring up, doing so in a harsh manner can be damaging in the
long term, to both your husband’s feelings and your relationship.
According to Judy Ford, psychotherapist and author of
Every Day Love,
“Speaking kindly is a skill that couples have to learn. Everyone feels
battered by life and the outside world. You shouldn’t feel that way at
home.” Here, eight
statements that you should never utter to your
significant other––and the words that you should try instead.
1. “You’re just like your father.
“This is just a no-no,” says Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker and author of
The Pathway to Love.
“It’s nasty and belittling, and it gets at his fear that he may be
exhibiting the worst traits of his family.” If you’re about to spout a
criticism like this, stop and think about what’s behind it: Maybe your
father-in-law is the kind of guy who never cleans up after himself, and
your husband’s habit of leaving dirty dishes around the house is getting
to you. According to Ford, you should skip the insult and get right to a
reasonable request, such as: “Hon, when you’re done with your sandwich,
can you bring your dish over to the sink?” That way, you can achieve
your goals without hurting him in the process.
2. “When are you going to find a new job?”
First, figure out why you want him to find a new job so badly. Do you
dislike how much time he spends away from home? Do you think he can or
should be further ahead career-wise? Is he not bringing home a
healthy-enough salary? “Before you say anything that could be hurtful to
him, think about what your own issues are,” says Ford. Be particularly
careful that you're not attacking his ability to support you and the
kids: “Part of how a man evaluates himself is by how well he can take
care of his family,” says Ford, so insulting him in this sensitive area
can be a serious blow. To avoid this, have regular talks about both of
your jobs, career ambitions and budget concerns. If you have an issue
with how much money he’s making, “it’s an opportunity to talk about your
lifestyle and how you want to live,” she adds. The aim is to avoid
putting him on the defensive, and instead work together to create the
life you both want.
3. “My mother warned me you’d do this!”
Something must have seriously infuriated you, because what you’re doing
here is letting him know that there are others in your “camp.” “You are
trying to validate your ‘side’ of an argument, as though you’re
marshalling an army to your side,” says Orlov. But that’s never a good
idea because it’s telling him that you’re not on
his side, or on
the side of your relationship. Though you should never let the opinions
of others’ dictate your relationship, if there is some kernel of truth
to a concern that your mother raised, think about how to address that.
“Maybe your mother said ‘he’s too cheap,’” says Orlov. “Say to him, ‘why
do you sometimes seem reluctant to spend money on things we need?’”
Without ganging up on him, that could open up a discussion about money
worries that stem from his childhood, for example. “Room is now cleared
for creative problem-solving,” says Orlov. And if you’re just lashing
out? Hold your tongue and focus on the root of what’s making you mad. In
the end, coming to a solution together will make you feel better than
unleashing hurtful words.
4. “Just leave it––I’ll do it myself!
This is hurtful in two ways. First, it gets at your husband’s elemental
need to be a provider, supporter and capable person in the house.
Second, it’s just plain demeaning for any adult to hear that his efforts
are sub-par. Do this too often and your husband might think, “I can
never do anything right or anything that’ll please her,” says Ford. A
better choice is to pick your battles. If he’s in the middle of a task
and you think that he’s doing it wrong, evaluate whether it really
matters, keeping in mind that, just because he’s doing something
differently than you would doesn’t mean that he’s doing it wrong—he is,
after all, an adult too. Sure, if he’s about to hurt himself or someone
else or break something, kindly step in. But if he’s just loading the
dishwasher in a way that drives you nuts? Let it be.
5. “You always... [fill in the blank]” or “You never... [fill in the blank]”
“These are two phrases I advise couples never to use,” says Ford,
“because they set up an instant, negative tone; they halt communication
and they put the other person on the defensive.” These blanket
statements can make your husband feel unfairly attacked, and chances are
he’ll just fire back with all the times he
did help. If there
are legitimate problems you’d like to address (he really does tend to
leave his tools all over the garage floor or often forgets to put gas in
the car after driving it), avoid generalizing and try to focus on the
issue at hand while also communicating how his actions make you feel:
“When you come home with an empty tank of gas, I feel like you don't
care about the next person who has to drive the car—which is usually
me.” Then add the phrase “would you be willing...,” suggests Ford. Try:
“Would you be willing to fill up the car when it gets below a quarter
tank?” Most men are willing to do most anything that’ll make you
happy––it’s all in how you ask.
6. “Do you really think those pants are flattering?”
Are you trying to hint that he’s putting on weight? Because saying the
above, says Ford, is not getting anything concrete across. You may think
that you’re subtly conveying the message, but instead you’re insulting
his looks without showing any genuine concern for his health. Instead,
start with something you like about how he looks: “When you wear that
blue shirt, it really makes me appreciate your gorgeous blue eyes.” Then
broach the topic of his weight gain by framing the comment so it’s
about his health, not looks: “Honey, what do you think about us both
starting after-dinner walks?” When you’ve softened up your approach, you
have more room to make other, helpful suggestions.
7. “Ugh, we’re hanging out with him again?
There’s nothing wrong with your guy having a friend whose company you
don’t love—no one says spouses are required to adore each other’s
friends, especially that one college pal who likes to pretend he and
your hubby never left the frat house. What is wrong is insulting your
man’s choice of friends. Your disdain may also suggest that you’d prefer
to pick his friends for him—and no one wants to be told who they should
be pals with. A better choice: “Oh, honey, you know I don’t always
enjoy doing the same things as you and George, so why don’t you plan a
guys’ night instead?’” suggests Ford. Remember, there’s no marriage rule
that says you two have to do everything together; he might actually be
relieved to have a little guy time with his pal that doesn't involve him
having to worry if you’re having fun or are offended by his friend’s
jokes. (And keep this in mind: If a friend is really awful, your husband
is much more likely to see that on his own, over time, whereas if you
nag him to drop the dolt it may never happen.)
8. “Please watch the kids. But don’t do this, take them here or forget that...”
This is a classic nervous-new-mom move: When you’re in anxiety mode, it
can be hard to let go of childcare tasks (even though you would love to
have more help). It’s also an attitude that can become a habit no matter
how long you’ve been a mom, leading to some very unhealthy feelings:
You may become resentful because he doesn’t pitch in, but you don’t
always give him room to, either. At the end of the day, no husband is
going to be inspired to be a better, more hands-on and involved dad if
his every effort is shot down, says Orlov. “If he always feels like he’s
wrong, he’ll only start to disconnect emotionally.” So let Dad be Dad.
Trust that he knows as well as you do how to keep a child clean, safe
and fed—even if his definitions of those tasks are slightly different
than your own. That said, if there are things he needs to know, like how
to use the stroller or what the pediatrician’s phone number is,
definitely give him the rundown.
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